January 10, 2007

Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

For the feline lovers amongst us...

When you are in the washroom I will not meow pitifully at the door, or try to reach my paw under the door to get to you. I know you will come out of there eventually and I just need to wait patiently.

When you are taking a bubble bath, I will not peer over the side at you, or hop up onto the edge and precariously walk the perimeter. I know the thought of wet, hissing, scratching cat and your naked flesh makes you nervous.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeasts Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds and squirrels outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I attempt to race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it...

...If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

When my human is making the bed, I will not repeatedly hop up onto the mattress to be covered by sheets, blankets, duvets etc.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. (Point of reference...this is Xena's FAVOURITE spot to lie and nap...and my forearms should look like Popeye the Sailor as a result!)

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. (Sooooooo true it hurts!)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. (Cats, dogs and toddlers have this incredible ability to wake me out of a dead sleep just by staring).

I will not wake my human on her day off at 5 am by pacing repeatedly across her pillow and accidentally-on-purpose pulling at her hair.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln

3 comments:

moon said...

thats halarious!!!

Azgreeneyes said...

Very funny! I wonder what mt dogs' resolutions are?

Saw you on Michele's blogroll and thought I'd say hi!

Jay said...

And these aren't even the reasons why I don't like cats. I guess they're just "bonuses".